I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
being pregnant is like rehab
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
