you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
