Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
