My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
