his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
