got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
