they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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