Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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