I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Randomize
