Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
