i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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