i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
