god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
