Where is the hickey?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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