I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
