well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
