I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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