Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
