I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
