he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Drunk is a universal language darling
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