Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
