im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
