mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Randomize
