I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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