a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
