Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
