Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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