I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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