We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
