If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
