I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
