He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
