Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
