just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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