I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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