Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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