Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
