My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
