My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
