to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
