I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
