i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
