READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
