Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
