I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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