I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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