Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
