wrigley field is MILF paradise
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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