Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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