i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
