thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
