Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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