Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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