we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
She needs sedatives and a leash
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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