I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
