Dude my mom stole all your condoms
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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