I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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