she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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