So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
