There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
