I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
