I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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