Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
