I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
