I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
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YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
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I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.