I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
25 Men Confess The Moment They Knew They Wanted To Marry Their Wife
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
You Wouldn’t Guess That These 25 Celebrities Are Complete A**holes
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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